


this is just a bump in the road (and i promise im trying)

by yuu_liarrs



Series: yugioh oneshots [1]
Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! GX
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Judai-centric, M/M, Oneshot, Panic Attacks, Songfic, i would die for johan, in which judai spaces out a lot, johan is literally the sun thank you, season three spoilers, whoo boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 06:38:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17239274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuu_liarrs/pseuds/yuu_liarrs
Summary: please, please be here for me, dear. 'cause i've never needed a friend more. and i cant stress enough it means to me that you're trying. and i dont mind if you cant hold me like you used to, cause ive... never hated myself more...or: post season three pre season four angst with a lil gay in there





	this is just a bump in the road (and i promise im trying)

 

 

_im not really sure if my words make sense to you_  
_but i cant really find_  
_any other way to form these feelings into cubes_  
_and sort them in my mind_  
_negative thoughts go on the left_  
_and happy things on the right..._

        Judai laid in his dorm, staring up at the bunk bed above him. He'd done nothing but think the past week, ignoring any an all knocks on his door from his friends.... were they even still his friends? He'd tried to kill them after all. He'd succeeded too. Judai killed most of them. O'Brien, Jim, Asuka, Manjoume, Kenzan, Fubuki... all of them, due to his actions... were killed. Even though they'd later found out that they never died and they were okay, he couldn't look at them the same. Manjoume's face, scrunched up in anger, screaming that he was selfish and that he only dueled for himself. Sho had said the same thing, hadn't he? They all knew he was a selfish duelist, and every time he looked into their eyes he could still see the anger, sadness, and despair. The doubt. Jim and O'Brien literally sacrificed themselves for him. No, they sacrificed themselves to destroy the evil king. Judai refused to believe that they did it for him. Though, he kept the thought that O'Brien and Jim had never questioned him and they'd believed in him until the end in mind. In a way, the brunette didn't know how he gained their trust like he did. He didn't deserve that. All of his friends were too good for him. If anything, he should have been the one to go to the stars, he should have been the one locked away. Maybe then none of this would have happened, and everyone would have been safe. _He_ would have been safe. Johan...

  
_...but theres a little corner saved just for you_

        Johan Anderson. He... was like the sun. Ever bright and radiant, his smile lighting up the room without even trying. He loved everyone, and took care of his loved ones. Johan was everything Judai aspired to be. Strong, bright, loving. The brunette loved Johan, more than anything he'd ever had. Everything about Johan was so amazing. His eyes sparkled gems in sunlight, portraying every emotion with such clarity that Judai was taken aback sometimes. With how he could be so open. Unafraid. His eyes always drew the fusion duelist in, making him feel things he hadn't felt in such a long, long time. In Judai's eyes the blue haired teen was so magnificent and so  _radiant_. It scared him, thinking about how his eyes might have dulled due to everything that had happened in the other dimension. He'd seen Johan's eyes shine with fear before, only a few times. It would break Judai's heart to see that directed at him. For what he did as Haou. For who he still was. And who he wasn't. In many ways, he wasn't Judai anymore. He wasn't the happy idiot that dueled every time he could. Idiot could probably still fit, but happy? He'd forgotten the last time he felt genuinely happy. Rolling over to lay on his side, the brunette curled up on the bed, dull brown eyes staring at the wall across from him.

  
_please let me know if you change your mind_  
_cause inside im falling_  
_and i need you to pull me out of this decline_  
_i realize how hard on you this must seem_  
_but trust me_  
_when i say it's far, far worse for me_

  
        He knew it was wrong, never going to visit Johan. He was still at the academy, resting in the infirmary. It wasn't fair to him, Judai knew. Oh he knew. There wasn't a second that he didn't think of going there and hugging the living daylights out of him. But, he couldn't. Judai was scared. Scared of Johan regarding him with fear or disgust. Judai couldn't bring himself to move any time he thought about seeing anger or hatred spark in Johan's bright emerald eyes. He couldn't and wouldn't do it.  
        But he... he was so lonely. It ate him up inside. Of course he always had Yubel, they'd be the one person who would never leave him. But he wanted Johan at his side. He missed the smiles that felt like standing in soft sunlight or his laugh that sounded like the most pleasant bright bells Judai had ever heard. He wanted all of it back. But that... was impossible. It was impossible. He'd already failed Johan so many times, and even let him stay behind in the other dimension. It should have been him. It should have always been him. Judai should have been the one to stay behind, Judai should have been the one to be possessed by Yubel, Judai should have been the one to die, it should have been Judai. But, even with all of that, his heart called out for him. He wanted his left hand man back at his side, (sho would always be his right hand. his brother. however it was also hard to choose who was always at his side and who was his right hand man or otherwise. because he loved all of them. and they'd always been there for him. however, it was him who wasn't there for them. he was selfish.) wanted to feel his presence at his side and see his smile again. 

  
_please, please be here for me, dear_  
_because ive never needed a friend more_  
_and i cant stress enough how much it means to me that youre trying_  
_and i dont mind if you cant hold me like you used to_  
_cause ive..._  
_never hated myself more._

        A knock on the door startled Judai out of his thoughts. It was probably Sho or Asuka coming to try to get him to leave the dorm again. The entirely empty dorm. Everyone had moved out of the Osiris Red dorm. It was just him. The drop out student, Yuki Judai. Another knock pulled him out of whatever monologue he was going to go on again. He'd been doing that a lot lately. Spacing off. Thinking. He wondered if he could just ignore it and they'd go away. In a way, it was nice that they'd kept coming around. But it made him feel so much worse. He could still see all their faces, twisted in pain. No, no. Don't think about it. Not right now. "Judai, I know you're in there," Came a soft voice from the other side of the door. He froze, turning to look at the door. Johan. He wasn't ready.

  
_but this is just a bump in the road and i promise im trying._

_give me a moment to get all my cards in line_  
_cause im still trying to figure out_  
_what kind of order should i set them out_  
_if there was a way to explain everything without a word_  
_id have a full house right now, without a doubt._

        Judai stared at the wooden door, fingers curling into fists as he sat up on the bed. He wasn't ready for this. Nothing could have prepared him for this. His breath caught in his throat and he felt fear low in his gut. Knowing Johan, he probably wouldn't leave until they talked. Shakily standing, he walked toward the door. As he held onto the doorknob, he could feel Hane Kuriboh's comforting presence. Letting out a slow breath, the brunette opened the door to see a worried Johan, with a fist raised as if he were going to knock again. In a way, it was comforting, seeing Johan in his normal clothes and not in the Yubel outfit--no matter how good it had looked on him. "Hey, Johan," He said, forcing on a weak smile. Judai couldn't meet his eyes, and instead stared at his chest,  before stepping back and sitting back on his bed,  motioning for Johan to follow.   
        "I hear you've been giving the other's trouble," The blue haired duelist said, closing the door and sitting backwards on the chair next to Judai's desk. "They miss you, y'know?" Judai couldn't fathom how they'd miss him. This awful him, the selfish him. He didn't say anything and opted to stare at the ground.  
**(( description of a panic attack tw ))**  
        Besides, what could he say other than sorry? He's the one who got everyone transported into the other dimension, he's the one who got Johan stuck there, he's the one who got everyone to come back, he killed Manjoume, he killed Asuka, he killed O'Brien and Fubuki and Jim and Edo and Amon and Ryo and-- he couldn't breathe. Judai kept trying to gasp in air, but it wouldn't go down. Wouldn't stay down. Johan was going to think he was evil he was going to leave him and never come back and Johan probably also thought he was selfish and was probably mad at him for making him suffer like that. Johan probably hated him. Something was pulling at his hair. It hurt. Who was? Who was doing that? Oh. He was doing that. Judai's hands were clutched on his head, covering his ears as tears welled in his eyes. He barely caught his name being called, it felt like he was underwater, unable to be reached. He heard it again, but maybe a little more clearly. Snapping his eyes open--when had he closed them?--Judai stared up at the blurry form of Johan but all he could see was Yubel possessing him, the pain that Judai had made him go though. His eyes screwed shut and he tried to suck in another hot breath, searing down his throat and into his sore lungs before being pushed back out again.  
        He felt hands on his (kind of. it was hard to feel much of anything.) and went to jerk back, but those hands held him steady. After a second, those hands pulled his own away from his head gently. "Judai, can you hear me?" The brunette heard him speak and he opened his eyes, wide and fearful. "There we go, I need you to breathe, okay?" Judai inhaled sharply but within the second he was exhaling and inhaling and exhaling and--it hurt so much. "Judai, focus on me, okay? Breathe in slowly." There was a hand on his again and he felt Johan pull his hand to lay on his chest. "Follow me, alright? You're going to be okay." Okay? Okay? None of this was okay. He wasn't okay. No one was okay, it was all his fault it was all his fault all his fault all his fault his fault hiS FAULT- "Judai." His head snapped up to meet soft emerald eyes. Eyes that held worry and... compassion. "Breathe with me. I'll count, alright?" He stared into Johan's eyes, wondering how the man still felt any ounce of compassion for him. But then, Johan was counting and Judai was forcing down air, trying to keep it down. He kept his eyes locked with the other duelist's, listening to the voice he grew to love. Soon, he was breathing okay and he felt like he was actually in his own head again. Johan was crouched in front of him, worry evident on his face, still counting as Judai breathed. After a bit he thought he was okay, and pulled his hand back from his friend.  
**(( aaandd description over ! ))**  
        He blinked away tears, before bringing a tired hand up to wipe away at them, gaze falling to the floor. He felt tired, and his throat was dry and his lungs hurt. "Sorry," He whispered, looking down. Sorry for what? burdening him again? Causing him pain? Yubel? Either way, he was so sorry. Two soft hands cupped his cheeks,  making him look up at Johan. He was frowning slightly, but his eyes still somehow had that familiar shine to them.   
        "It's okay."

_im trying to tear the wool from your eyes_  
_but a part of me wants to let you be_  
_cause then you wouldnt see what ive become_

  
"No, I-"  
        "Judai. I understand, at least a little bit. You cant keep beating yourself up like this. Yes, those people were hurt but... it wasn't entirely you. Haou  _used_ you. You... Tell me you wanted to hurt all those people, and mean it, Judai. I know that's not you. Yuki Judai doesn't hurt people." But... he did. He hurt everyone. He killed so many in his efforts to make super polymerization. In the end, it wasn't worth it at all. He was now just a wreck. He opened his mouth to protest, to say it really was all him, and that it was all his fault and he was better off alone, but... he paused. He started into Johan's eyes and realized that he wasn't lying. Johan meant every word. His eyes shone with an emotion akin to desperation? Almost. Judai closed his mouth with a clack, fingers curling into fists in his lap.

_im trying to shout but no sound comes out_  
_its like we're in a dream state_  
_but i should have woken up, woken up by now_

        Judai knew he didn't deserve someone like Johan. Johan was so bright and amazing. He was the rainbow after the storm, the feeling of sun after a long winter. He wanted to feel that more, he wanted to be around Johan and love him.  But he... wouldn't be able to. Judai was a selfish human. The brunette felt Johan gently  caress his skin, frowning. "I bet you expect me to hate you." Yeah. It was obvious. Johan  _should_ hate him. "But I don't. I could never. In fact, I..." Johan trailed off, his face suddenly looking soft. Judai  stared at the blue haired duelist, gazing into his emerald eyes and searching. He saw love and compassion and fondness. But, was that directed at him? No, it was probably for someone else. He might have been rememb- Johan cut off his thinking, leaning closer to Judai and smiling. "I.." He trailed off again, face glowing red, he looked away for a second before returning his gaze into Judai's brown eyes. "Yuki Judai, I love you," He finally said, after a long silence.  

_please, please be here for me, dear_  
_because ive never needed a friend more_  
_and i cant stress enough how much it means to me that you're trying_  
_and i dont mind if you cant hold me like you used to_  
_because ive..._  
_never hated myself more_  
_**but this is just a bump in the road and i promise im trying.**_

        The brunette blinked. Come again? Johan... loves him? That thought made Judai feel something other then sadness. He felt... _hopeful._  He felt his face heat up, as he looked up into Johan's eyes. His emerald eyes shone with sincerity, and Judai wanted to cry again. In elation, he leaned forward and smushed their lips together, watching as Johan's eyes grew large before fluttering close. The kiss was slow and full of passion, chaste in nature. It was a bit before he pulled away, the small smile on his face the only real one he's had in a long time. Johan stared at him, dumbfounded, before he too was smiling. 

**Author's Note:**

> IM SO SORRY IF I DID JOHAN DIRTY  
> IM NOT TOO TOO SURE HOW TO WRITE FOR HIM BUT DAMN DID I TRY
> 
> also, the song is " i promise im trying " by cavetown !! go check him out he's great


End file.
